lancesalot | (no subject)

(no subject)

Despite finding his resolve, Dimitri still finds himself wide awake and restless. There's a million and one things racing around his head in an endless circuit, and the sheets feel strange against him. He's admittedly still uncomfortable sleeping without the armor on. He'd gotten so used to it, normal clothes make him feel naked. Vulnerable. The touch of the cool stone floor under his bare feet is a relief, a promise that he won't just simply lay here and let his thoughts sweep him out to see.

He lights the candle and hooks his finger into the holder, slipping out into the drafty halls of the monastery.

Originally, wandering without intent, but he doesn't surprise himself when he finds himself standing outside Byleth's door. He doesn't knock. He wants to, but the professor has enough to worry about, and Dimitri has already burdened him with so much of his own turmoil.

But maybe he's also awake? He was a night owl, as he remembers. No- he's probably exhausted. Even if he is awake, there's no need to trouble him with this pointless visit. What is he even here for anyways? He has nothing useful to say, nothing that he hasn't already anyways. The simple fact is that seeing Byleth's face, hearing his voice, just being around him, is soothing.

So Dimitri stands at his door for the next ten minutes or so, wrestling with himself. Silently.

Right. No, he should leave. He's not a child. He's startled when a drip of hot wax hits his hand, spilled from the holder that he was absentmindedly tilting. It doesn't hurt terribly, but it does jar him enough to drop it with a loud TINK!. Scrambling to pick it up, and now balking at the thought of waking the professor like this, as if he just now realized how weird it was to be standing outside someones door for ten minutes, silently.

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Despite everything, Byleth hasn't been able to rest all that easily. Though his body and even heart feels exhausted, there's too much going on in his mind that keeps him awake. In a way, he quietly misses how Sothis used to talk to him, even if sometimes she was sniping at him. He liked her attitude but also her wisdom. Losing her right after his father had always felt like too much at first.

Nearly losing all of the students, well -- that certainly is something he thinks he could not bear. In a way, he nearly very well lost Dimitri in so many ways as well. To his darkness and trauma, and almost accepting the blade at the hands of that girl who so desired revenge.

Though he's laying in bed, he hears the noise outside of his door. All he'd been doing was staring at his ceiling anyway, so it's a welcome distraction. Standing up and slinging his coat around his shoulders, Byleth opens the door to see...

"Dimitri?"

Ah. This is what he was afraid of. Still, seeing Byleth's face feels like slipping into a cool body of water after a miserably hot day.

"Professor- my apologies. I did not intend to wake you I just-"

Just standing outside your door for the last ten minutes pining. Clearly that won't do.

"There was a cat." A beat. "Fight. There were cats fighting and I came out to shoo them away."

Well, that's definitely an obvious lie. He debates calling Dimitri out on it, but also he's a bit relieved to see more of his true personality now than the feral beast that snarled at every kind hand for the past few months.

So, Byleth smiles a little instead, folding his arms. "Keeping the peace even this late at night is hard work," he says, teasing gently.

It's pretty obvious Byleth doesn't really buy that, and Dimitri can't blame him in the least. Still, if he's being given an out he'll take it.

"Yes ah- I just didn't want a racket being made at this hour." He mutters quickly, looking for a segue. "I apologize, you should rest, professor." Somehow his awkward hovering presence seems exaggerated by the fact that he's not wearing his armor. With it on, he's a commanding presence. Without it he's just... large.

There's a pause as he looks at Dimitri. Without his armor, he looks like he's peeled back another layer of his protective skin, unwilling to show his underbelly until now.

"It's okay. I haven't been sleeping anyway," he reassures. "You can come in, if you want. I can make tea. Unless there were more cat rebels to deal with."

Ah. Merciful. His shoulders drop visibly and he straightens up.

"I would- yes. Please." He doesn't mind getting teased about the nonexistent cats. Really, he deserves it if anything. Sliding into Byleth's room feels strange. He'd never visited his personal quarters back in the academy days. It almost feels intrusive, but fascinating at the same time. Getting a deeper look at how the professor keeps his things. The large bulletin board and calendar.

The marked birthdays written down on one page are what catch his attention first. Little stamped crowns and names. He carefully lifts the page to the next month to see more of the same, and the next. He really kept track of all of them. The odd rush of warmth that gives him feels almost foreign, and it forms a knot on his throat. Despite his sometimes awkward flatness, Byleth clearly cared so much, about everyone.

Idly, he wishes that the garden was cleaned up, but it's hardly the most important thing for them to be concerned with at the monastery. As it is, tea in his own room will just have to do. His fire magic is hardly as powerful as Dorothea's, but he has enough that he can heat some water in the palm of his hand for tea.

He lets it steep in the teapot, setting it down at his desk before he looks to Dimitri. It's such a relief to have even a part of him back. True, he knows that not everything is healed; how could it be? But it seems at least that he's starting to wake from a nightmare finally.

"Do you want to talk?" Byleth isn't the best conversationalist, but at least Dimitri is used to that from Dedue, he thinks wryly.

The calendar pages slide out of his fingers, and he realizes that's probably rude to snoop like that, but there's a huge part of him that relishes getting a candid look at Byleth. Something rooted deeply in the past, almost like a small sense of giddiness that his former self echoes at being allowed to be this close.

"Yes. I would like that. I know that there is much left unsaid." Selfishly, Dimitri has been focused on his own desires. It would be foolhardy to pass over the fact that Byleth has also been through hell. He moves over to stand next to the professor, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Why don't you sit down. I will take care of the rest." He gestures to the tea pot. "Tell me what you have been doing, outside of the obvious of course. I would like to hear your thoughts, worries and hopes."

It's a little weird to let someone else deal with the tea. Byleth is used to reaching out to others, trying to care for them or let them know they are cared for. The scent of chamomile wafts with the steam, and he remembers that it's what Dimitri prefers. He hopes he still does.

Reluctantly, he sits down in one of the chairs in the room.

"It's okay," he says, acknowledging how much has not been said between them. Dimitri's had enough to worry about. Enough that he's suffered through. "Honestly between the war councils, I've just been gardening and fishing. Sometimes I feed the leftovers to the cats and dogs. ...Which I guess isn't any different than what I did five years ago."

Byleth quietly wishes that he still had leftovers from Mercedes' last baking spree. She'd given him a couple of extra pastries, insisted on it really. Greedily, he'd eaten them down, appreciating her skills and wanting to focus on how good it tasted. It would've been nice to share some with Dimitri. Maybe he can ask for her help tomorrow.

"I'm worried about everyone. I don't want people giving up hope. And I don't know if I'm even the right person to be leading all of them. I don't know if it even looks like I'm worried, but I am." All the time, actually. "I want to make sure we have enough to eat and not feel bad about it. That we don't have to lose anymore friends or loved ones. Maybe it's foolish to hope for that in a time of war, but I don't like giving up either."

That alone is enough to make Dimitri smile softly. Same old Byleth. It's comforting to know that his core hasn't changed. The smell of chamomile also doesn't do much for that knot of nostalgia and fondness threatening to spill over. There was a wave of softness wanting to return in him. Something he;d violently quashed as weakness. Seeing it in Byleth though- the professor makes it look like unwavering strength.

He hands him a warm cup of tea and sits next to him in the spare chair.

"I feel the same. I'm so sorry I endangered that for my own purposes." He feels like he'll never be done apologizing. "We will make sure of it, as best we can though. Together now. I will do my best to protect what we have left. I know that doesn't fix anything, but I think you do more than you give yourself credit for. Even the little things." He glances back to the calendar.

"You care more than anyone I've ever met in my life. Perhaps that is why- why you are so warm." Ah. He catches himself spiraling again. Clearing his throat, he takes a sip of tea. "Everyone loves you, beyond your ability to lead, and the things you give. I know I am the last person who ought to be lecturing you on this but... please take better care of yourself too, professor." A pause. "Byleth."

The tea is taken silently, nice and warm in his hands in the cold of the night. He appreciates the words, but... hearing his name is what makes him go still, a bit of pink reaching his cheeks. Oh. Was it maybe his father that called him by his name last? Even then, he'd always use "kid" fondly. The other faculty, the knights, even Rhea, nobody used his name.

He looks down at his tea, ducking his head a little.

"I never lost faith in you, by the way," he says softly. "I knew I just had to be patient. That you'd come back to us, eventually. And now that you are, the possibility of ending this war as best as we can seems more like a reality. I'll... try to do better for myself. So long as you do too, Dimitri."

The reaction isn't lost on him. Normally, he'd feel bad for flustering him like that, but seeing him blush is- hm.

"Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I think you know all of us better than we know ourselves, sometimes. It is as though you have the power to see our souls."

Carefully, he offers his hand, just as Byleth had done for him in his moment of despair.

"It is a promise then. We will both look after ourselves. And each other."

For a moment, he selfishly thinks about what it would be like to intertwine their fingers, palm to palm. It's almost too intimate, maybe. So, instead, he slides his hand into Dimitri's, gently squeezing.

"I can promise that," he says warmly. "Start by knowing that if you need forgiveness from me, it's been given."

Dimitri's hold is almost too tight. Afraid to let the moment slip by.

The earnest answer is enough to do him in though. Forgiveness. That's a weighty word now. He feels like he's going to fold over for a moment. He almost does, leaning in. Instead, Byleth's hand is pulled up, the backs of his fingers touching Dimitri's chapped lips. The prickling at his eyes and the knot in his throat clenches in him, and a few wet drops hit the back of the professor's hand.

"Dimitri..."

It's not so unlike his own thoughts. How much his chest ached when he found the prince in the Goddess Tower, blood drying on his face and his eye filled with madness, ready to bite and refuse his hand extended. He'd missed the days that they spent together years ago, but it would be cruel to demand it back. Byleth was the one who was gone, after all. But thankfully still, Dimitri is picking himself back together. Glimmers of his true self at there finally, his nobility and kindness. Maybe moving on is too much to ask, but they can still appreciate the present. Linhardt has said something like that, trying to enjoy the small moments in case they're suddenly gone.

Cautiously, he leans in, lightly kissing away a tear on the prince's cheek. He hopes that isn't too much to frighten him away.

At first he's not quite sure what it was, touching him, but the feeling of lips on his cheek soon sink in. He swallows hard. He's not sure if he wants to just cry his eyes out now or just melt in joy.

"Byleth..." The tears still flow, but they aren't for sadness. They feel like relief. He's still stunned for a moment. There are so many things that he could say right now, but it all bottlenecks in his chest. The professor- Byleth kissed him like that, so lovingly. Is he reading it wrong? No- no there's no real way to read a kiss wrong unless it comes from Sylvain.

He's all for taking back control of himself now, but he allows his body to move on it's own, pulling the other man in, and sliding gentle fingers across his cheek. Dimitri presses their lips together closing his eye and enjoying the flood of happiness it brings. His heart is pounding like never before. The tea has gone cold but he's so warm.

It's been awhile since Byleth's kissed anyone, not including the five year gap in his life that he didn't live anyway. Before then, he'd mechanically understood physical affection; kissing feels good. Touching. Embracing. But beyond that, now that Byleth considers it, he doesn't think he'd ever felt this vibrant about it. His breathing a bit faster, his body warmer, and a surge of delight. Dimitri's lips are a bit dry, but all the same it's still Dimitri engaging in this with him. Kissing, touching him. If it had always felt this nice, Byleth would never have stopped at all.

Their hands remain together, but his free one touches the back of Dimitri's neck, a silent reassurance that he adores this. Adores. It feels like so much in his chest that maybe he'll burst. He almost doesn't know what to do with it.

Their lips part, and Byleth hesitates a moment before he's gently touching Dimitri's face to brush away those tears, wanting nothing more than to make sure Dimitri knows he's cared for.

"Do you... want to stay here tonight?"

He really doesn't want it to end. When they part finally, he moves forward a tiny bit, chasing Byleth's lips before he catches himself. He doesn't feel deserving of being this... happy. In this moment. Is he ever deserving of Byleth? He knows he'd probably be scolded for saying something like that. He's probably bright red right now. He wants to wrap himself around this man, right now, but his body is afraid to move, afraid to wake up from this dream.

It must be a dream, right? Byleth touching him, kissing him so tenderly.

The question catches him off guard. There's... implications, naturally. Is there? He won't assume, but it doesn't stop him from truly flushing a deep red from his neck up to the tips of his ears.

"Yes. Please." And every night after, if the Goddess is good.

"I think we could both use the rest."

Though it could be so easy to chase after more than just sweet affection. If kissing and touching could feel this good, then surely more than that would be intensely wonderful. He's curious and wants to know, but it's also only been a short time since Rodrigue's sacrifice.

For now, he thinks he just wants to hold the prince.

Taking Dimitri's hand, he gently guides him to bed.

"And... we can still talk. If you want." Or kiss. Or something.

Yes. Rest. Resting with Byleth. In his bed. Holding each other. He really should find some kind of shame in being this... eager. Instead he allows himself to be led to bed, laying down, he holds his arms open, wrapping the smaller man up against his chest.

"This is not what I intended when I came to your room." He lets a small chuckle slip out. "I am somewhat afraid I am still dreaming, but I dare not wake." The hair is brushed away from Byleth's face softly. "Please tell me that when I wake, you will still be here."

He's never rested with someone like this. Even in moments of intimacy, those moments were short and just a nice distraction. Something to enjoy, but he never felt passionately about. This is remarkably different, his head resting on Dimitri's chest. It's so warm. He could almost cry himself.

"Oh, I thought you were dealing with cats before," Byleth murmurs, teasing. But more importantly:

"I promise. I'll be here."

He earns a laugh. Ah, he's been caught. No use in denying it now. Especially with Byleth laying against him like this. He feels so light. Dimitri strokes a hand over his pale hair, letting his fingers graze against his ear.

"Ah, yes. Of course. The cats." He says amused, "I'm sure they're fine." More importantly, the promise is what counts. He presses another soft kiss to the bridge of his nose.

This is so nice.

He thinks back to what his father had observed, how Byleth had been expressing himself more since he'd become a professor at the academy. How much that his students mean to him, how much he loves them, and how he's been able to express himself just a bit more. Having this with Dimitri is no exception, and... well, they should maybe talk about it at some point.

But as it is right now, they both deserve some sleep. Under Dimitri's lips on his nose, he smiles, closing his eyes, letting himself relax against the other man.

Finally, he does manage to fall asleep. It feels like it's been much too long since he's been able to do so and likely Dimitri has felt the same after all of this time.

He doesn't actually remember falling asleep, but he wakes, rested and warm. Surprised for a moment to find Byleth still in his arms until he remembers the events of last night. It's amazing to wake up like this. Byleth kept his promise.

He squeezes him gently to wake him as well. He looks so peaceful like this, but they should probably part ways before they the rest of the monastery gets up and going. he'd probably get a lot of questions leaving the room if anyone saw him, and the last thing he wants is to start troublesome rumors for the professor.

It's tempting to sleep in, and he considers it a moment as he slowly wakes up. His eyes drift to the two teacups from last night, hardly touched but evidence that it wasn't all a dream. He breathes in, tightens his arms around Dimitri, and eventually relents. It's another long day, but he'll do what must be done so that one day they can have more evenings like what they just shared.

Slowly, he pushes himself up, but pauses to look down at Dimitri. Taking a chance, he leans down and kisses his temple.

"I can get us breakfast," he offers. "If you don't have a busy morning."

Edited 2021-01-31 05:33 (UTC)